Grace and Sadness and Prayer

I started writing yesterday... 

This morning the weather is changing.  The kids left for school mad.  Mad, because we made them take the bus instead of Jake driving.  They left as the mist was falling.  By the time they got on the bus Annie said the mist was freezing on the pavement and it was very slippery getting onto the bus.  As it turned out there were many accidents at the major intersection north of the school and just a few blocks away a bus was involved in an accident, too. Thankfully, there were no injuries - though several totaled cars.  I know I am a protective Mama.  I know I will make my kids mad a few more times before they leave my nest.  And ya know what?  I'm ok with that! 

I read several other blogs.  I stumbled upon one by a Mom of four with a husband that frequently travels for business.  One day she was having a rough one and sent a text to her husband.  It went like this, "I just walked in to find his breakfast remnants still out on the counter and dried cereal in the sink. !? Why do I have to have this conversation EVERY SINGLE DAY???"  (You should know the "he" she is referring to is her 16 year old son.)  Oh, how I know the feeling.  But it was her husbands response that really made me stop and think.  "Because he is still a kid. We are still teaching him. He is still learning. He likes to learn the hard way. That has always been his issue. Go give him a hug. "  Ok, in all honesty, my very first thought 'oh that's easy for him to say, he's not home dealing with it day in and day out. But when I stopped and really thought about it, it was so absolutely true and something I really needed to hear.  

As you know, Jake has really struggled this semester.  I have heard myself say more than once in regards to a certain teacher, "I don't know why he yells, Jake doesn't respond to that."  Yet, I catch myself doing that very thing.  I struggle with grace.  I struggle with patience.  And, like most people, from time to time I reach my breaking point and I yell.  The kids run around like chickens trying to appease me.  And they tune me out.  In these moments, I need to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and give them a hug.  I was young once and my parents, siblings and the good Lord know I learned the hard way, too.  

It became official yesterday, Jack got the promotion!  There is still a bit of mystery as to which of the two jobs he will be doing.  He thought it was one, but was pulled into a meeting this morning that had a bit more to do with the other.  ??  It sounded like his morning was a lot of "ya, gotta meet Jack Diemer!"  and "Have ya met Jack Diemer?"  I think he's kind of a big deal.   :-)  Yay, Jack!  It's about time someone made a big deal about how awesome you are at work!  

I spent most of the morning running errands.  I had to get a headlight replaced, thankfully it was under warranty.  It wasn't just the bulb, it was the whole assembly and there was a defect.  I got a LOT of Christmas shopping done.  I'm not sure when or how I heard about the shooting in Colorado - honestly, time seemed to slow way down.  My errands and lists just didn't seem so important.  As soon as I got home I flipped on the tv.  I was in shock. How can this be happening again?  I know exactly where Arapahoe High School is.  I've driven past it many times.  It's very close to where Sarah and Matt use to live.  

that's where I left it...  I just didn't know what to write.  

I am still in a bit of disbelief.  I struggle to understand.  

My children will never know what it was like to go to school without Code Red and Code Red Lights Out drills.  It's as common place as a Fire or Tornado drill. !?  How sad.

Sarah said that Addy's old babysitter is a Senior at that school and on the very same debate team as the young man that killed himself.   How sad.

I saw on the news this morning that the front page of a Denver newspaper read simply "AGAIN".   How sad.

Today, I paused to remember the teachers and students that lost their lives in Newtown, CT. I can't think about it too hard or too long or I get lost in the sadness.  I read yesterday that when a reporter asked a Mother how she would spend today, she said "it's just another day without Dylan."  Ugh, so sad! 

What can I do with all this sadness?  Pray.  There is good in the world.  I know it.  The light will overtake the darkness.  I believe that in my soul.  How can I overcome it?  Be a light, don't add to the darkness.  

xo